wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
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I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?