Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
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Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months