[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
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My loaf of bread looks terrified
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.