Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
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My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt