I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
You Might Also Like
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.