*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
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MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.