When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
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Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Breaking news:
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes