We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
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[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.