HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
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me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
🙋♀️
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*