4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
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Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
This will teach them to underestimate me
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
welp
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.