the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
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The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.