I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
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The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
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90Me: Nailed it.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
I was bored.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
Merica.