Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
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Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.