Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
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*seductively winces due to lower back pain
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal