BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
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I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
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So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster