to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
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[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.