This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
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a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
Ooh I do like a good funnel
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
me after drinking all the wine:
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later: