Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
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How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out