The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
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[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
President The Rock Obama
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
What the hell is going on?
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
For cardio I live beyond my means.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.