*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
You Might Also Like
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.