I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
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ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]