When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
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Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.