I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
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*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.