The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
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Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
My dad is at it again
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
Favourite diary entry ever
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.