Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
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i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.