Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
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Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.