I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
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Potatoes were such a good idea
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.