In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
You Might Also Like
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
Not all heroes wear capes…
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol