Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
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My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
Cha-ching is my safe word
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers