Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
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STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.