At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
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my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
They must have gotten it to go.