If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
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her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
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