Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
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Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day