Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
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Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor