[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
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An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Not all heroes wear capes…
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.