I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
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paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”