Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
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“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
Autocorrect completely socks
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.