Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
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People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Spa day..😅
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
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THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.