I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
You Might Also Like
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Have a lovely day 😊
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*