Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
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Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
How did we not see this back then?
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I鈥檓 not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 馃拃馃槀馃槀
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
You can鈥檛 drink and drive. You can鈥檛 text and drive. You can鈥檛 smoke bud and drive. It鈥檚 like they expect you to just focus on driving.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn鈥檛 make sense. Good job.