[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
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Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
How wrong was this guy?
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.