[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
You Might Also Like
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Why are bridges so flammable.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane