for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
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Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things