It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
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“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband