people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
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Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
Oh the things that I’d do* to that man
*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’