Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
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I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
LA today:
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Swedish for common sense.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?