my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
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I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.