Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
You Might Also Like
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.