Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
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Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.