I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
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I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
Narrator: they had a son born in 2001
Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
My wife gives the best headache.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips